answers tomorrow

There are plenty of things in life to be thankful for. I think about this concept as I roll around the city with my best friend, eating Vietnamese sandwiches and taking about boys. I ran this evening, from my parents house, down and around the lake and back. I watched the fancy people in their fancy running outfits and felt the strain of air in my lungs, felt the blood pulsing in my face, felt my ankles throbbing. My body is kind of falling apart these days.

I thought about how- despite everything that I try to tell myself- all this health stuff (other than that whole knee-ankle-lower-back crap) is really all superficial. And that it doesn't mean that it can't have an affect on ones life but that, ultimately, it's all just on the outside. I am still physically capable of many wonderful things which means not doing them is just selling myself short. Just a note for me to remember...

M. laughs loudly and I see heads turning. I've been telling him how I don't think that I try that hard very often and that I don't feel that epic. He laughs, so I laugh. Life is a funny little thing.


Love.

begin

I start not being able to connect the feelings as easily anymore. I wake up feeling sore from climbing and yoga and start thinking back to those days when I would wake up with A and T on Saturday mornings for free yoga. Bike a couple blocks down to his house, then a few more over to the studio- was it on 23rd? No, but it was close. And, week by week, more and more people crammed into the tiny room until we were hitting elbows and knees and interlocking fingers, fighting our way towards enlightenment.

I start to realize that I'm a 12 hour-day kind of girl; that this means when I stay up late my body finds it in itself to override whatever habits I've formed and just sleep and sleep and sleep in anticipation of another late night. When I was waking up at 6:30 am everyday, I was also going to bed at 9. Note to self.

I start to realize that I'm not meant to stay in this place. That I can either use this time for positivity and creativity and fitness and progress or I can fester and wither. Choices, choices, choices.


I start to realize that my parents are never going to cut me a check. That I didn't grow up with a trust fund. That I will pay for my mistakes. That I will have to do the hard work. I like this idea. I like the concept that I will have some ownership over my direction in life- that I will hold my own hand.

Three dead at Stevens pass today in an avalanche.
One dead at Snoqualmie pass.

My heart is full for everyone.

double vision

this makes everything better.

anger

Ever feel cheated by the medical community? Ever feel like something is seriously fucking wrong.

Here's the advice:
stay out of the sun
avoid heavy exercise
avoid alcohol, chocolate, spicy foods


You. Have. Got. To. Be. Fucking. Kidding. Me.





These kinds of suggestions make me want to lash out; scream, cry, throw things, kick a wall, move far up into the mountains where nothing can touch me. It's like a never-ending battle. See also- treatment not covered by insurance. See also- unexpected side effects. See also- go fuck yourself.
Six months was a high price to pay.

from wyoming to colorado

Snow storm. Library.

what if we never see each other again?

No new clothes for a year. This was the thought. The idea that, if I did a little searching, I could find just about everything that I need within my own community. Or, more so, just within my own closet. So we'll see how long that idea persists. Donations will always be accepted. Shoes might just be alright. but clothes? Fuck, I have so many of those. I have had so many of those. Just doesn't seem that necessary anymore.

I'm in Colorado Springs, CO waiting out a storm. I am licking the frog again and again and again; trying to make myself proud. I am feeling a little more brave.


stories to come.